I can't kill myself on purpose. But maybe I can make it more likely for me to get into an accident. Or maybe just stop living all together. I could just waste away in my bed and ruin my life. I wonder how long till I get fired. How long till I lose feeling in my feet? How long till I don't have enough energy to even go to the bathroom? Can I pull this off before my parents come to visit?
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update: i couldn't even pull this off. i ended up doing more research and presentation-work for my job. sigh. am i loser for not being able to lose my attachment to these things? why do i continue to value things? i guess it's because i'm still living. if i was dead, there'd be no values to have. the world would end for me. there'd be nothing. it's only because we live, do we have values. why does valuing things always end up with me in pain and wanting to die? can i live a life without values?
a job is something that always needs your attention. that will need you to do something for it. and though it causes you a lot of stress at times, it provides some element of emotional gratification. in that, somebody NEEDS you. and you can easily provide it and receive something in return. it's a dependable relationship. for the most part...unless you get laid off like i did a few months ago. but while it lasts, it's a pretty straight-forward relationship. you get assigned things. you do them. you get money. often, there are inner-office politics that cause some emotional turmoil. But it's not nearly as messy as personal relationships in this regard. jobs are somewhat predictable and manageable.
would personal relationships be that attractive if they were as predictable and manageable as a job? often, i hear dates are like job interviews. So perhaps to some people they seek that predictability. and i think in a way, we all want some level of safety, predictability, and dependability in our relationships. We also want excitement though. Spontaneity. Some mystery and anticipation. With all the things that people expect and want in a relationship, it's a wonder anyone is ever satisfied with them. It's like we expect others to be super-human and perfect...but also walking contradictions. How can anyone live up to these standards? Is this why the divorce rate is so high in the U.S. Do people have crazy and unreasonable standards in this culture? Why do other cultures not have this problem? Or do they settle too much?
It's a tough question. But I find myself being guilty of this same mistake. Expecting too much....and being expected to be too much. We all have to grow to meet the other's expectations. And we all have to temper our expectations with reality. And when those things don't work...well, like my girlfirend liked to say...The shit's about to hit the fan.
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